


Pulchra Anima and Salvetorem

by ShrimpMinsume



Category: Angst - Fandom, Cha hakyeon - Fandom, Jung Taekwoon - Fandom, VIXX, hongbin - Fandom, like super angst - Fandom, pls like this lmao, rabin - Fandom, ravi - Fandom, this literally was my teen angst fantasy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 07:21:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15310320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShrimpMinsume/pseuds/ShrimpMinsume
Summary: "Because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that a soul as beautiful as yours shouldn’t be taken away.""It doesn’t matter if you destroy everything I am; as long as you don’t destroy yourself, I can live with that."





	1. Pulchra Anima

**Author's Note:**

> I made this way back in 2012 or 2013 on tumblr, moved it to aff and now im here. I used to work under the name 'jignog'

Pulchra Anima

Because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that a soul as beautiful as yours shouldn’t be taken away.

He was the dangerous resident. The resident that you were absolutely not allowed to be alone with, especially if it was time for medication. At seven in the morning, exactly, every single morning two doctors and three nurses including myself would enter his room. His eyes would be wild and he would be in the corner, staring at us. If he’d had a bad night he would be in a bad way, one time he’d been covered in blood. Of course it was his own, he wasn’t allowed out of his room. He wasn’t allowed near other people.

 

He was wild and out of control, I had the job of restraining him. The other two nurses would work on getting him to swallow his medication, one of the doctors would give him a tranquilizer: the second would observe and write notes. He was the one who told us when it was okay to release the patient; when it was obvious the medication had kicked in. Whenever I restrained him, I could hear him pleading. He was ferocious and crazy and yet, when he knew what was about to happen he would plead. Please don’t, he would say over and over in a weak voice, I can’t bare it. For a long time I had just thought that he couldn’t bare to be controlled, that he couldn’t bare the idea that someone could dominate and control him.

Hongbin was the most beautiful patient. In terms of both looks and personality. He was kind, he was soft and he was gentle. He wrote when he was stuck in his room. I’d once stolen some of the paper that had been strewn across his floor while I was cleaning. Some of it was nonsense, it jumped from one subject to another and had no goal or destination… there was no point to it… but most of it was beautiful. He saw the world in such a melancholic and desperate way.

He wondered what was outside the white walls, he wondered what human contact was like. What was it like to love, to kiss someone, to hold their hands. He wondered what it was like to see the sun rise and the sun set. He wondered, most, if he was cursed or a bad person.

I was mostly forbidden to talk with him. I was allowed to greet him hello and goodbye, I was allowed to tell him what I was doing— if I had to clean, give him food or search his room— but other forms of contact were forbidden.

I was absolutely entranced and fascinated by him. I didn’t think he was a bad person, and, well, I had no way of knowing if he still believed that he was because he hadn’t written a thing in months. Nothing that made sense anyway, yet he was always hunched over his notebook. We brought it in for him when we gave him his medication, and we took it from him when we put him to bed.

Sometimes at night he wouldn’t sleep but he’d sing instead… that was beautiful too. I would often sit outside of his room and listen to it. When he sung during the day it was awful, he could sing well but… there was no meaning to it. It was haunted and hollow… it freaked me out a little. Whenever he started I would try and finish my work as quickly as possible to disappear. I couldn’t stand to be around it, I really couldn’t.

I wanted to talk with him more than anything. In some strange way, I guess I had become obsessed with him. I knew he could be violent, I knew that the wild side of him was more demon than angel, but I was completely obsessed with him. There was not a day that passed without me thinking about him, there was not a day that my thoughts would linger on what he was doing and how he was feeling.

“Wonshik-ah!”

I looked up at the patient I was currently with. I was tying Hakyeon’s shoes since he had trouble with laces. I didn’t know much about him, usually I didn’t have anything to do with him. All I knew was that he’d been perfectly fine, a successful dancer and then something had happened. I didn’t know what, and honestly, I didn’t want to know because it had turned him into this. He was a child in every essence of the word. He acted like a five year old; I didn’t want to know what had happened to him to make him break down so much that he was no longer himself.

“You did the laces wrong,” he grinned.

I smiled at him. “I’m sorry, should I do it again?”

Hakyeon puffed his cheeks out, gave me a brighter grin and nodded. “Where is Jaehwannie!” he was pouting now.

“I told you he had a meeting,” I sighed; it was the fifth time I’d repeated it. Jaehwan was his favourite they were close. Jaehwan doted on Hakyeon and Hakyeon hung on every single of his words.

“I want to go away this weekend,” he said simply, his hands gripping the edges of his bed. “Far away.”

I couldn’t look at him. The reason I did not like to be near Hakyeon was not because I wanted to be back near Hongbin, it was not because everyone felt unwanted around him and it was certainly not because of his illness… it was the haunted look in his eyes. He always smiled, but it never reached his eyes. They were so hollow and tormented, as if whatever had happened to him replayed in front of his eyes over and over and he was stuck like that.

He was happy, or he seemed to be. He was the patient who’d tried to kill himself more than the others… sometimes I wondered if it was not kinder to let him succeed.

“I know you do,” I whispered back, finishing his laces. “If it were up to me I’d let you go.”

“You’re nice!” he smiled. “I like you… but not as much as my Jaehwannie!” I couldn’t help but laugh at him. “Your Hongbinnie sings so well at night,” he carried on, now swinging his legs. “I like to listen to him.”

“Me too.”

“It’s not fair.”

“What is?” I stared at Hakyeon, avoiding direct eye contact. His lips were down turned.

“Those nasty pills they give him take away his voice.”

“No they don’t,” I corrected. “He can still sing during the day— you hear him.”

“If you call that singing,” he muttered.

I pondered his words and I wondered if he was right; it did seem to fit. Why he couldn’t sing after he had his medication. “Hakyeon, go and talk to the others,” I sighed, opening his door and stepping out. By talk, he’d probably annoy the other… guests.

Taekwoon was a silent person. They’d found him wandering along the bridge after his girlfriends murder. He’d gone crazy trying to find the murderer. He’d not known it had been him. He spent all of his time alone, he’d sit in the corner of the room by the window and just read or do nothing but stare. He only ever said a few things each day: did they catch the culprit, why was he inside and that he wanted to die too. Sometimes I saw him talk to Hakyeon, sometimes I saw Hakyeon sit on the sofa beside him and sleep or just watch him with his feet up, knees bent and arms hugged around his ankles. He was fascinated by him, though only if his Jaehwan wasn’t around.

Sanghyuk was the strangest of the patients. There seemed to be nothing wrong with him, he was kind and pleasant; happy and upbeat too. He complied with taking his medication. He’d throw himself off everything, just because he was told to, just because he was scared if he didn’t… the voices he heard would mock him and tell him he was useless. He feared that, he hated that. His parents didn’t want him and had kicked him out, his girlfriend had used him in a horrible way. He’d gotten mixed up in some terrible things I didn’t want to ask about, and the result was he was just… to used to be of any use to himself.

Hakyeon was currently tugging on Sanghyuk’s arm. The pair of them usually kept each other company. Sanghyuk also liked Taekwoon, and I wondered if it was because he knew Taekwoon would never tell him he was useless, or maybe it was because Taekwoon would look after him like a father at times. The one time Taekwoon left his chair each day was to help calm Sanghyuk down whenever he went into one of his panic attacks. It was only Taekwoon who could calm him down.

I tried to imagine Hongbin blending in here, tried to imagine him fitting in but it didn’t seem to work. I wondered if that was just because he seemed too good for the life in here, or if it was because the idea of him with anyone else was just unsettling to me. It was stupid and maybe somewhat presumptuous because I didn’t really know him that well. Maybe better than anyone else in this god forsaken place, but… I didn’t know what made him tick, I didn’t know his life and I didn’t know what he liked or what he disliked.

The only thing he’d brought with him was a photo album. He was in none of them so I half assumed he took them himself; they were really good, but they had a dark beauty to them as you got to the back of the book. I thought about what Hakyeon had said. I didn’t know how it was possible that the medication would take away his ability to sing. It didn’t seem very possible at all, yet at the same time it made the most sense out of anything and that was what scared me about that reasoning.

I thought about it almost the entire morning. I didn’t even notice that things were different today more than usual until that… event had occurred.

Sanghyuk’s usual anxiety fit started at midday and lasted for half an hour. Taekwoon calmed him down like usual. Unlike usual, Hakyeon was not there to pester him straight after and cheer him up and hug him. It was when Jaehwan returned and Hakyeon was not his shadow that any of us actually grew worried.

We found Hakyeon in his room on his bed. He was curled up facing the wall and hugging his knees. He was sobbing, crying saying he couldn’t do it any more. He said he wanted to disappear, he said he didn’t want to live. Even Jaehwan could not calm him.

When the doctors came in to try and force medication onto him, Hakyeon sprung up and ran off. He only wore one shoe. Jaehwan yelled at him and tried to grab him— he caught him from behind, pleaded with him to calm down and yet it did no good. Hakyeon struggled out of his grip and rushed off again.

Cha Hakyeon lost his balance at the top of the stairs and fell down them. None of us really seemed to know how to react, the other paitents had seen, surely they would get ideas. They were forced back into their rooms— Taekwoon took Sanghyuk back to his, and then one of the doctors took Taekwoon back to his own.

“Jaehwan, I-”

“I thought… he would be okay.”

I stared at him weakly. What could I do? What could I say? The thought of my bean losing his life or taking his life— I gulped, suddenly wishing to rush into his room and make sure he was okay.

“This is why they tell us not to get attached—I…” Jaehwan stared at me. “I wish I could have taken him away… I think I know I couldn’t have saved him but… I didn’t want him to die here.”

I suddenly seemed to realise what had been going on. For the past few months some extra medication had been disappearing with no traces. Jaehwan’s plan the entire time… had he really been planning on taking Hakyeon away and killing him? Was it murder or kindness?

I stared anxiously at Hongbin’s room.

I knew how Jaehwan felt.

Only I didn’t want to take Hongbin’s life from him, he didn’t want to die. I didn’t know what he wanted. But I intended to find out.

During the chaos and busyness that followed, I managed to sneak into Hongbin’s room. He was sat cross legged on his bed with his note book in front of him. He was hunched over with a look of concentration on his face but there were no words on his page.

“Hongbin.”

He looked up, startled. “I-”

“What do you want?” I knelt by his bed and stared at him. “You don’t want to die, I can see that-”

“I want freedom,” he replied, his voice barley above a whisper. “I can’t— when I have to take those horrible things— I can’t see any more.”

I opened my mouth to question him, but he carried on talking. “I get no thoughts, I can’t sing because I don’t feel anything. It takes away who I am… I just want to be free, I don’t want that. I want to be me.”

I felt my heart shatter. No wonder he pleaded. To have that taken from you— to have the essence of what made you yourself taken from you— no wonder he stared at us with fear, no wonder he fought us.

Yet I also knew if he didn’t take his medication he would go violent, he would hurt everyone, himself included. I also knew I could restrain him, maybe I could protect him from himself. We could go away, far away. Just us two. Live by the sea, he could write and sing… I could protect him. He would be free.

“Let’s go— tonight.”

“W-why?” Hongbin asked, staring at me aghast. “How?”

“I don’t know— I’ll get you out somehow.”

“Why?” he asked again.

“Because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that a soul as beautiful as yours shouldn’t be taken away.”


	2. Salvetorem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is cringe yikes

Salvatorem

It doesn’t matter if you destroy everything I am; as long as you don’t destroy yourself, I can live with that.

Since we had left that place, things were in a way, better and yet they were worse.  If Hongbin had been beautiful inside, it was nothing compared to what he was like now. Outside in the sun he almost seemed to glow, and he seemed so much happier now that he was free to just… be himself. He looked healthier, and acted healthier.

 

Last night, we'd taken a walk along the coast. We’d finally reached our destination about two months after leaving. This place was mostly deserted, with the exception of a few houses and apartments here and there. There were a few shops, no tourists… the place was quiet and peaceful.  It was relaxing. I knew the authorities were probably looking for us, but I refused to let them have him. He was too happy and I wasn't going to let anyone take that feeling away from him.

My bean was currently resting with his head in my lap. We were sitting by the open doors from our apartment that led out onto a small balcony. Hongbin really liked the sunlight. I didn’t know if it was because he hadn't  been able to enjoy it for a long time, but the sunlight suited him.

There were downsides, of course.

When he opened his eyes softly, I could see the guilt he carried with him. Most of the time he was okay, but other times, he got too violent. I tried to restrain him and control him, and I had succeeded so far in making sure he didn’t hurt himself. As a result, I’d gained a few injuries myself. It wasn’t anything serious.  I had a few bruises and some bite marks but he’d yet to break a bone or draw more than a little blood.

Hongbin spent a lot of his days writing, singing, and laughing with me. He couldn’t remember why he’d ended up in that place, and he'd said he couldn’t remember much of his time there either. I figured if he had a little of the medication he’d be fine, but he was too scared to even try. I was powerless to force him into it.  I hated when he pleaded with me.

“I’m sorry….”

“It’s okay.”   It was new to me.  This. Us.  I brushed some of his long hair from his face and sighed. I liked him too much. It clouded my judgment about what was best for him. What was best for him was not what he wanted, and yet I only wanted to give him what he wanted. I wondered if I was just selfish.  I kept telling myself that, it was best for me to give him what he wanted. Because I couldn’t bear to see him unhappy.

“If we get caught-” Hongbin started to say.

“If nothing.” I cut him off.  I didn't what to hear any 'what if's'.

“But you could get into trouble,” he licked his lips and gulped. “I know you could.  I’d be fine.  They’d just lock me up again.”

“You call that fine?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t,” I stared at him weakly. “I don’t care what they do to me. I just want you to be happy.”

“Wonshik…” he bit his lip. He looked troubled for a long moment, before he sat up. “Let me cook tonight!”

“Really?” I didn’t exactly cook well, but I’d been taking care of that recently. We couldn’t get delivery, and it was hard to even buy groceries without showing our faces but I’d managed to deal with it so far.

Hongbin smiled and nodded reassuringly. Maybe everything would be okay.  Maybe he just needed freedom and time and his inner demon would leave him. Maybe he could stop being so… so haunted.

“I’m going to take a shower.”  I said.

I had to admit I was worried, what if one day he did go too far,  and I couldn’t control him? I couldn’t imagine it, my bean was kind and gentle. He didn’t even seem to be getting as violent as before. Maybe it would be okay. The problem was, we would never have a normal life.  We’d always be on the run, and there would always be someone looking for us. I had some money saved up but things were going to get hard when it ran out.

The shower didn’t relax me like I thought it would. I just felt more on edge. The warm water running down my body did nothing at all.  I just I felt more tense than I was before. I was suddenly anxious to return to Bean. He was just cooking. Nothing would happen, right?

I felt so nervous that I didn’t even bother to turn the shower off. I jumped out and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around myself as I headed back into the other room. My hair stuck uselessly to my face, and my torso felt slightly chilled, but—

My bean broke my heart. He’d been cutting vegetables but now he was just staring at the knife in his hands with some otherworldly wonder. I didn’t know what was going through his mind. I didn’t want to know.

“Bean.”

“You don’t deserve this,” he whispered. He moved so his back was to me. He balled his free fist and leaned on the counter. I saw his shoulders and arms go rigid. “You deserve so much better than this. Than me.”

“No-”

“Don’t!”

Hongbin threw the knife across the kitchen. It knocked a glass off the shelf before it landed dully in the sink. The glass smashed at his feet and he turned back to face me. I didn’t know if he was livid or sad— his glare was marred by tears and his face was distorted in a look of horror.

I couldn’t begin to imagine what he felt. I couldn’t begin to imagine what he was thinking. I didn’t know if I wanted to.

“I want to die,” he sobbed. It was only there for a moment, and then suddenly he’d pushed all the washing up from the draining board. “But you’re too selfish!!”

“Hongbin-”

“NO!”

I dived at him and grabbed him before he could do much. My arms wrapped around him from behind, keeping him firm against my bare chest. He struggled and he thrashed… he was worse than the other times. “Bean-ah, please calm down,” I pleaded. “Please.”

“No!” he snarled. “It’s better for me— better for you…!”

“What’s better for me is that you’re okay.” He was just saying he wanted to die because he felt sad.  He was happy most of the time. “Bean, please don’t say that.” My resolve was weak, and the pain in his voice was so strong.

“I need to disappear.”

“No you don’t.”

“Yes, I do!”

He took advantage of the break in my resolve and pushed me down. I could do nothing but let him sit on my hips and beat me— he hit me, he bit me. It hurt, but his tears hurt more— what could I do to heal him? Physical wounds would heal, but he was hurt inside. My precious bean… why was I so powerless?

“It’s better if we both die.”

“No-”

He grabbed the knife up again, picking it up with the blade. His hands were shaky and blood from where the blade cut into his palm dripped down onto me. “Hongbin, please-”

“You should give up on me! I’ll kill you!” He shouted

“No… you won’t.”

“I will!” he hit me again. “I will! One day, I will!”

“No you won’t,” I said again.

“Why…?” he dropped the knife, and then pressed his hands on my shoulders. He lent over me so our noses touched. His tears dropped onto my cheeks. “Why do you believe in me so much?!”

“I trust you… I love you.”

“How can… you love someone like me?”

Was that a trick question? “How could I not? Your smile makes my day.”

“But then I get like this-” his nails dug into my skin. “If I disappeared it would be easier— if I disappeared-”

“I would be sad… I wouldn’t know how to survive-”

“You would find a way. Someone else.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Damnit, Wonshik!”

Hongbin hit me again. His blood was smeared on my chest. He hit me again, and again, and again and I could do nothing. I had no strength to overpower him; if this was what made him feel better then I was going to let him do it.

“I’m sorry I can’t make you feel better-”

“Stop it, Wonshik!” He was crying more, and now he covered his eyes with his hands. There was blood smeared on his face and it covered both of us. “Let me die….”

“No,” I sat up, slowly moving him so I could pin him down to the floor. My arms were covered in his bite marks, but I really didn’t care— he could do worse to me and I would still believe in him. “I won’t.”

“Why.”

“Because you’re such a beautiful person.”

“But I’m not-” he spat at me and then sniffed. “How can you live with me when I’m like this? Do you think you’re my savior or something?!” He growled. “I can destroy you, then I will destroy myself and no one will be happy. Is that what you want?!”

“It doesn’t matter if you destroy everything I am.  As long as you don’t destroy yourself, I can live with that,” I whispered.

He stared at me. I stared back.

He whimpered softly. “I’m so sorry… I hurt you….”

“It’s okay,” I smiled, slowly releasing him. I stared at him for a long time, making sure he really was okay before I got off from on top of him. I found bandages, but he just lay there as I bandaged up his hand. “I told you that you don’t have to apologise.”

“Wonshik?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll try and get better for you…”

I smiled bitterly.  There was no hope in that promise.  I would just need to get stronger and stronger.

“I love you,” he whispered. “I promise I do.”

“I know you do.”

“You love me too, right? Even though I’m like this.”

 

I kissed the palm of his bandaged hand. “I love you too.”

||FIN||


End file.
